Chili Judge Story

Copyright 1997 W. Bruce Cameron
Please do not remove the copyright from this essay

If you can read this story and not laugh then your laugh meter must be broke.  I was a first time judge recently @ the Fourth Annual Kato's Fiery Food and Sauce Competition.  In some ways I can empathize with Judge #3(Logan). 

Cameron was an inexperienced Chili taster who was visiting a Chili contest in Texas.

Cameron's Account:  Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came.

I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're a entrepenuer and therefore known and adored by all.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.

Cameron: Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put out the flames. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Cameron: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

Cameron: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*tfaced from all the beer.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Cameron: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid was standing behind me with fresh refills. I thought women were from venus, but I think Sally is from Mars and she is starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste I am eating! Is chili an aphrodesiac?

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Cameron: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from swelling by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I am buring my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges keep asking me to stop screaming. Screw them.

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Cameron: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted and now I'm worried it will eat throught the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I can't feel my lips anymore.  I need to wipe my but with a snowcone.

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am a bit worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.

Cameron: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth, pull the pin and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. at least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's to painful. Screw it. I'm not getting oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach. 

Chili # 8: Helen's Toenail Curling Chili

JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Not sure if judge #3 is going to make it. Poor fellow, wonder how he would have reacted to really hot chili. 

Cameron: No Report!

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